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Fear of the dark

I was diagnosed with mast cell disease in 2012. By the time this diagnosis came, I was emotionally numb. I had been sick for years with terrifying and increasingly severe symptoms, had lost most of my hearing and repeatedly tested negative for dozens of things, rare and otherwise.

Less than a month before, a neurotologist who I will never forgive told me that I needed to see a psychiatrist because I was faking my hearing loss. I had stopped taking all my meds two weeks earlier because I was just done. I called my immunologist and told him that I no longer believed that this disease was killing me faster than the variety of risky meds I was on without a firm diagnosis.

I honestly just wanted it to be over. I didn’t want to kill myself and I didn’t want to die. But I wanted it to be over. I was sleeping through entire days, waking dripping with sweat and this acrid smell emanating from my pores, shaking and trying not to fall over when I finally got out of bed. I was in a truly unbelievable amount of pain and sleep was my only respite. I wanted to close my eyes and just…leave.

After I was diagnosed, I learned a lot about anaphylaxis and started learning about mast cells. I fixated upon anaphylaxis that occurred while sleeping with an unhealthy intensity. Despite not having serious breathing issues, I became convinced that I would stop breathing and die in my sleep. The oblivion that had been a comfort only a few months ago was now a sinister presence, watching from the dark corners of my bedroom when I turned out the lights. I would lay awake wondering if I would be aware of my death if I died, if I would stop breathing and be forever alone in some infinite darkness, until panic seized me.

A lot has happened in the years since. I have developed new, rational fears, like forgetting one of my medications while traveling (which I have since done), being labeled hysterical/unreliable by doctors, or being served food that I have explicitly stated as unsafe. Mast cell disease is unpredictable and the fact that I can’t always anticipate what will or will not make me react is a wellspring for many of my fears. The fact that something was safe the last hundred times doesn’t mean it will be this time.

Fear is important to self preservation. It is evidence of a primordial necessity of being scared. I was very scared of the dark when I was growing up, long before I knew that the dark could offer sanctuary to any number of terrible things. It is something inherited, a vestige of its utility thousands of years ago. Being fearless with a disease like mine is cavalier and dangerous. Every person, every place, every thing offers the possibility of triggering a reaction.

Fear is also a big reason why so many of us are diagnosed with anxiety or panic disorders before ultimately garnering a mast cell diagnosis. Mast cell mediators can cause a wide array of severe neuropsychiatric symptoms and our body’s response to allergic inflammation, including release of epinephrine, can bolster anxiety or panic. A psychiatrist once asked me what I was so afraid of like the things I was scared of were benign. After I told him, he responded, “Well, I guess I would be scared of those things, too.”

Fear does not ruin my life or control it. I have a complex relationship with fear. I compensate for the unpredictability of this disease by trying to anticipate all possible outcomes of a situation and building redundancies and failsafes into my personal management of this disease. I do a lot of yoga and meditate (less than I should) and walk a lot. I do visualization when I am very anxious, but to be honest, I’m still very high strung. I’m very high strung and I am about half as anxious as I used to be.

We are all of us trying to control a disease that we can’t fully control. That is upsetting and sobering and also liberating. I am getting better about doing things and going places where I can’t control things as much and trying not to compulsively explain to people who don’t know me what to do if I start shocking. I am trying to do things that scare me, like taking on additional responsibilities, taking formal classes and having recurring obligations beyond those that are essential to my life and health. Sometimes things go well and sometimes they don’t. I’m trying to be okay with that. I’m not always okay with that.

I don’t really remember what it was like before, when fear wasn’t a dark horizon in the backdrop of my life. And I’m tempted to say that I’m not scared as much anymore, but I don’t think that’s true. I’m not scared as much at this exact moment while I am writing this post. But tonight, I’ll shut off the lights, and I will still be scared of the dark.