Difference

You build your life around your secrets. Around other things too, but never more than your secrets. They are always there, in every place, the silent beat at the end of your words, the air you take in when you gasp. They are a comfort in their familiarity, a bane in their power. When you go to bed, it is just you and them, whispering to each other in the dark.

I have plenty of secrets. Most of us do. Most of them don’t matter. They remain secret only because I have never had occasion or need to reveal them to another person. But those aren’t the secrets I am talking about.

My biggest secret is that I am hopeful but I am afraid all the time. I have been this way a long time and so I am skilled at working around. I can talk myself into most things, even if I’m scared. But the doubt and uncertainty can be overwhelming sometimes.

I have another secret, too. I am scared that I have enough health to follow my dreams but not enough to achieve them. I grapple with this every time I have some wins and gain any measure of control. My mind immediately starts planning, lays out these paths to things I want badly but that my body could never accomplish. It is painful and frightening.

I think I’m finally coming to the end of this rough season. I am eating some solids again. I am reacting less. My mind continues to make plans that I don’t know I can achieve.

We so often equate success with results. That’s why we feel like a failure when we can brings these things we want to fruition.

But success is more than that. You have to try. The result may be the same but your heart knows the difference.