I am rare

A year ago this week, I started writing regular posts about mast cell disease and chronic illness. In honor of Rare Disease Day, the last day of February, I decided to put up short posts on Facebook daily for the remaining days of February. I could not have predicted that this would eventually give way to a website that is visited thousands of times a month by people all over the world.

I wanted to write a post about having a rare disease and what it meant to be a rare patient, but I have actually been too busy dealing with my rare disease to do it. This week, it occurred to me that I actually have multiple rare diseases. Today, I learned that four of my diagnoses are classified as rare diseases in the US. I have four individual rare diseases. This is not uncommon for mast cell patients.

In the US, any disease that affects less than 200,000 at one time is considered rare. These diseases can be infectious diseases, cancers, genetic disorders, autoimmune diseases, and so on. Rare diseases are defined differently by different countries and organizations. Likewise, a disease can be rare in one region and common in another.

There are over 7000 known rare diseases. Worldwide, they affect 300,000,000 people. In the US, they affect 25,000,000. If all rare diseases live together in one country, it would be the third most populous country in the world.

Almost 10% of the American population has at least one rare disease. 2/3 of Americans living with rare disease are children. Currently, only 350 rare diseases have an FDA approved treatment. This means that most of the medications we use are not designed for us and we don’t know how they will affect us.

Almost half of primary care physicians in the US say they feel uncomfortable with taking on a rare disease patient. It can take us up to six years to receive a correct diagnosis. Some people are never diagnosed.

80% of rare disease patients have one of 350 rare diseases, with the rest being significantly more rare. Mastocytosis is not one of those 350 diseases.

 

My name is Lisa Klimas. I am 31 years old and I live with four rare diseases.

Mast cell disease causes severe allergic reactions to things I am not actually allergic to.

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome causes hernias, joint instability, and poor wound healing.

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome causes dysregulation of blood pressure and heart rate.

Mixed connective tissue disease causes autoimmune activity against various tissues in my body.

All of these conditions are chronic, incurable, and painful.  Together they can cause life threatening complications.

February 28th is Rare Disease Day. For many people, it is just another day. But for me, it is a celebration.

It is a reminder that there are other people like me all over the world.

Alone, we are rare, but together we are many.  We are strong.  We are an army.

My name is Lisa Klimas and I am rare.

 

I am rare

 

 

 

*All figures from the National Organization for Rare Disorders (NORD).

MCAD: General information for public

Mast Cell Activation Disorders (MCAD): Frequently Asked Questions

What are mast cell activation disorders?

They are a group of conditions  in which the mast cells in the body do not function correctly.  MCAD includes systemic mastocytosis, urticaria pigmentosa and mast cell activation syndrome, among other conditions. Mast cells are responsible for allergic responses. In MCAD, patients can have allergic type reactions to things they are not allergic to. These reactions can be very severe and even life threatening.

What are mast cell reactions?

These are reactions caused by mast cells being improperly activated. These reactions vary from person to person. Symptoms can include, but are not limited to, nausea, vomiting, hives, rashes, itching, flushing (turning red), dizziness, confusion and irritability. Symptoms are caused by the chemicals released by the mast cells.

What causes mast cell reactions?

Triggers vary from person to person. More common triggers include heat, cold, friction (especially on the skin), sunlight, foodstuffs, physical exertion, stress, dyes and fragrances. Triggers can also change over time, with new triggers presenting.

Are mast cell reactions dangerous?

YES. Many MCAD patients will experience uncomfortable reactions throughout their lives. However, every reaction carries the risk of anaphylaxis, a life threatening, severe allergic reaction. Therefore, avoiding reactions as much as possible is very important for mast cell patients. Each patient has an individualized response plan. For many, it involves removal of trigger and administration of medication, such as antihistamines or inhalers.

What is anaphylaxis?

Anaphylaxis is a severe allergic reaction affecting multiple organ systems in the body. These are the kinds of reactions observed in patients with bee sting allergies. Anaphylaxis can be fatal. It is a medical emergency requiring immediate treatment, usually epinephrine (Epipen.) Please receive guidance from treating physician on when to use an Epipen.

How are mast cell anaphylaxis and mast cell reactions different from normal allergies (like food allergies?)

With allergies, your body reacts by a specific method that involves ingesting and recognizing the allergen. In MCAD patients, the mast cells incorrectly think many things are allergens. Since mast cells are so sensitive in these people, ingestion of an allergen is NOT necessary to cause mast cell reactions or anaphylaxis. Smelling a perfume or breathing in very hot, humid air is enough to cause a reaction in many MCAD patients.

What causes MCAD?

Genetic mutations cause different kinds of MCAD. Recent studies have shown that mast cell disease can affect multiple members of the same family.

Why do some MCAD patients have spots?

These spots occur in locations where there are more mast cells than usual in the skin. These are NOT contagious rashes. In addition, MCAD patients who do not have permanent spots often have very sensitive skin, which may cause temporary marks or rashes.

How can I help an MCAD patient be safe?

By not being afraid of their disease. Respect their triggers and help them work around these limitations. Reactions can be painful and very scary, especially for kids. Learn the symptoms associated with reactions and be ready to help with a response plan.

 

Is there more information you feel should be included here?  Let me know in the comments and I can add it in.

Mast cells, eosinophils and the perfect storm of inflammation

Mast cells and eosinophils have a lot of common functions.  In allergic and inflammatory states, these cells come into physical contact with each other, as well as communicate using chemical signals called cytokines and chemokines.  Mast cells and eosinophils are often found together in affected tissues in disorders like allergic rhinitis, atopic dermatitis, and asthma.  Mast cells initiate the allergic inflammatory response once activated.  This signals for eosinophils to come to the tissue.  Increased numbers of mast cells and eosinophils are found in diseases like eosinophilic esophagitis, chronic gastritis, GI neoplasms, parasitic infections and IBD.  Both mast cells and eosinophils respond to eotaxins, molecules that draw eosinophils to the inflamed area.  So one signal causes both cell types to go to the affected tissue. 

Mast cells and eosinophils interact a lot by using chemicals.  Mast cell released heparin stabilizes eotaxins.  Mast cells produce IL-3 and IL-5, which lengthen the lives of eosinophils in tissue.  Mast cell mediator chymase suppresses eosinophil death and causes eosinophils to release several chemicals.   Tryptase can limit eosinophil activation.  In turn, eosinophils produce stem cell factor (SCF), which attract mast cells and protects them from cell death.  Both cell types express some common receptors, like Siglec-8, which induces eosinophil death and inhibits IgE-mediated mast cell activation.  Interactions between these cells increase activation and proliferation. 
Patients with SM may have another blood disorder, including CEL or hypereosinophilic syndrome (HES.)  SM-HES and SM-CEL with the D816V CKIT mutation has been found, and the mutation is present in both the mast cells and the eosinophils.  However, it is likely that the FIP1L1-PDGFRA fusion gene (an aberrant tyrosine kinase) is the cause of the coexistent eosinophilic and abnormal mast cell proliferations.  The FIP1L1-PDGFRA fusion has been found in several cell types, including neutrophils, monocytes and mast cells.  This finding is consistent with a mutational origin in a blood stem cell that makes mutated mast cells and overproduces eosinophils.  When these cells are not neoplastic, they are derived from separate stem cell lineages.
Shortly after the discovery of this fusion gene, there was significant debate over whether FIP1L1-PDGFRA+ disease was an eosinophilic neoplasm with increased mast cells or systemic mastocytosis with eosinophilia.  Patients with FIP1L1-PDGFRA+ eosinophilia have a lot of symptoms in common with SM: swollen spleen, hypercellular bone marrow, high numbers of abnormally shaped bone marrow cells, marrow fibrosis and elevated serum tryptase.  However, these bone marrows show less dense clusters of mast cells.  In some cases, mast cells were spindled and expressed CD2 or CD25.  Still, the WHO considers it a distinct entity and not a subset of SM.
In CKIT+ patients, GI symptoms, UP, thrombocytosis, serum tryptase value, and dense mast cell clusters aggregates in bone marrow are significantly increased.  Cardiac and pulmonary symptoms, eosinophilia, eosinophil to tryptase ratio, elevated serum B12 and male sex were higher in FIP1L1-PDGFRA+ group.
Eosinophilia in SM patients has no effect on prognosis.  Eosinophilia in MDS patients predicted significantly reduced survival.  In T lymphoblastic leukemia, eosinophilia was unfavorable for survival.  Density and activation of tissue eosinophils is related to disease progression in several neoplasms.  Mast cells and eosinophils are found in increased numbers in neoplastic disorders like Hodgkin lymphoma. 
Presence of FIP1L1-PGDFRA indicates treatment with imatinib (Gleevec), regardless of organ dysfunction.  It can show remission within 4 weeks, even at low doses.  Some patients with CKIT+ SM with HES or CEL have rapid and complete normalization of severe eosinophilia with midostaurin treatment. 

Reference:
Gotlib, Jason, Akin, Cem.  2012.  Mast cells and eosinophils in mastocytosis, chronic eosinophilic leukemia, and non-clonal disorders.  Semin Hematol 49:128-137. 

Mast cell disease in families

Three types of MCAD are currently known: systemic mastocytosis (SM); mast cell activation syndrome (MCAS); and mast cell leukemia (MCL).  SM and MCL are thought to be rare, while MCAS is now believed to be much more common, and possibly even the underlying cause of various clinical presentations (such as IBS and fibromyalgia.)  Very little is known about the heritability of these conditions , but many patients report that they have family members with similar symptoms. 

A study examining the familiality of MCAD found that 74% of patients interviewed had at least one first degree relative (parents, siblings, children) with systemic MCAD, regardless of MCAD subtype or gender.  The prevalence of systemic MCAD among first-degree relatives was 46%, while the prevalence in the control group is about 17%.  The prevalence of MCAD among first-degree relatives of patients with MCAS was 60%; with SM was 44%. 


MCAD subtype and severity of symptoms varied between family members.  Variable genetic alterations in CKIT were detected.  Activating CKIT mutations were found in 65% of patients, compared to 15% of the control group. The genetic mutations detected in the three families included mutations at position 816 of CKIT (D816G, D816V, S1A).  This finding is remarkable in that it disproves the longstanding belief that the somatic nature of KIT and related exon 17 mutations means that it cannot be inherited.  It also supports the belief that other mutations in genes that regulate mast cells could be contributing to these diseases.  Multiple mutations were sometimes found in the same patient, including those found in other genes (JAK2, TET2, DNMT3A, ASLX1, CBL, U2AF1, SRSF2, MS4A2). 


There was also no obvious relation between the CKIT mutations and clinical severity of MCAD.  Although familial occurrence due to shared environmental factors cannot be ruled out, it is likely that there is a significant genetic contribution to this phenomenon.  More females than males were affected.  The prevalence of MCAS was expected to be at least within the single-figure percentage range in the population (1-9%.) 


Systemic MCAD family histories include more systemic MCAD cases than would be expected when compared to the prevalence in the general population. This study advocates that the different subtypes of MCAD (MCAS and SM) should be more accurately regarded as varying types of the same disease rather than distinct diseases of mast cell dysfunction.


Reference:

Molderings GJ, Haenisch B, Bogdanow M, Fimmers R, No¨ then MM (2013) Familial Occurrence of Systemic Mast Cell Activation Disease. PLoS ONE 8(9):e76241. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0076241

On prognosis and dying from mast cell disease


There isn’t a lot of data on death from mast cell disease.  Not real data, with statistics and numbers.  People with SM and MCAS are frequently reassured that they will live a normal life span.  People with SM-AHNMD are quoted an average survival of about 8.5 years; ASM, 3.5 years; MCL, under a year. 
Of those groups, only the survival time for mast cell leukemia is convincing to me.  This is because mast cell leukemia has a pretty homogenous presentation, meaning that it affects most people in the same way.  When a disease is as rare as MCL, it is important that you remove as many variables as possible in order for the data to be sound.  And that’s the problem with the rest of the survival data, to my eyes – there’s just too much variability.  Throw in a patient population as small as ours and you’ve got a lot of uncertainty.
The effects of mast cell disease are highly individualized.  There are several B and C findings, meaning that combinations of symptoms and manifestations are very variable.  The SM-AHNMD group is a good example of this.  This category lumps together many different combinations of diseases, not to mention the stages of those diseases.  Someone with ASM-AML is going to have a very different prognosis than someone with SM-CEL.  Simply averaging the lifespans of these people and quoting this as a life expectancy does the mast cell community a disservice.  It is important to remember this when you are typing “mast cell disease death” in the middle of the night. 
Even though we know that most people with SM die from something else, or that for many people, it is a very manageable disease, there is always the possibility that it will be different for you.  It’s hard not to imagine that you will be in the unlucky percentage of people that have progressive disease, that develop ASM, that have leukemic transformation.  Admonishing people who bring up this concern as “negative” or “paranoid” doesn’t make it less terrifying.  It just makes people more afraid to talk about the fact that sometimes people die from mast cell disease and often they aren’t sure how best to minimize their chances of becoming one of them.
Due to the differences in presentation, it has been difficult to identify markers that definitively indicate prognosis.  A lot of effort was put into looking at various CKIT mutations, not just D816V, to see if this could be predictive.  There has not been statistically significant data that this is the case.
The closest things we have to prognostic markers don’t get a lot of play in the general mast cell consciousness.  We talk a lot about CKIT because it affects treatment, and symptoms because it affects diagnosis.  But beyond the initial workup, we don’t often hear much about the CD2 and CD25 markers.  However, a paper published in 2009, established a link between “immunophenotype,” in this case which markers the cells present, and prognosis. 
This study looked at bone marrow samples from 123 patients with different types of SM, including MCL.  Importantly, they also had a large control group of people who did not have SM.  A solid control group is key to determining that a finding is real.  They defined the patients as either good-prognosis (SM, well differentiated SM, and cMAD, clonal mast cell activation disorder (what we now call monoclonal mast cell activation syndrome, MMAS)), or poor-prognosis (ASM and MCL.) 
They determined that for patients whose mast cells expressed BOTH CD25 and CD2 (ISM/MMAS) or NEITHER CD25 and CD2 (WDSM), prognosis was good.  However, mixed expression (typically CD25+ and CD2-) indicated a poorer prognosis.  They compared it to current markers, like the D816V mutation and serum tryptase, as well as clinical findings, like swollen spleen, swollen liver, skin lesions and white blood cell count.  The expression of markers was found to be a sounder method for estimating life expectancy than any of these.
It’s okay to be scared.  We all know people who have died from mast cell disease.  It is scary to think that we could be next.  It is scary to live under the looming threat of anaphylaxis.  But the good news is that science is trying to catch up.  More people are being diagnosed with mast cell disease, and science is getting better at identifying the ways that we are alike and different.  There is every reason to think we will have comforting data in the future.  We just have to get there. 


Reference:
Teodosio, Cristina, et al.  2009.  Mast cells from different molecular and prognostic subtypes of systemic mastocytosis display distinct immunophenotypes.  Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology, 125: (3), 719-726.

Bone marrow biopsy

Most people with suspected systemic mastocytosis receive a bone marrow biopsy as part of their diagnostic testing.  Sometimes people will have confirmed mast cell infiltration in another organ, in which case a bone marrow biopsy may not be needed. 
I know that once I needed a bone marrow biopsy, I sort of felt like my illness had hit the big time.  Like it was time to be really concerned.  My family and friends were really concerned because bone marrow biopsies are used to diagnosis serious diseases.  It is okay to be scared.  But the procedure was not even close to the worst I’ve had, and the pain was manageable. 
In the middle of long bones, there is a squishy center called bone marrow.  Your bone marrow produces most of your body’s blood cells.  The marrow is essentially organized tissue that holds the immature blood cells.
Red bone marrow is active and produces red blood cells, platelets, neutrophils, basophils, eosinophils, monocytes/macrophages, T cells, B cells and mast cells.  Yellow bone marrow mostly contains fat.  Red bone marrow is found in flat bones, like the sternum (breast bone) and the pelvic girdle (upper hip bones.)  In children, the femur (thigh bone) also contains red marrow.
A bone marrow biopsy removes some of the solid tissue from the red marrow to look for abnormal cells.  It uses a long, hollow needle.   Using this needle, a solid piece of bone marrow is removed.  This is called a core. 
A bone marrow aspiration, which removes some liquid from the red marrow, is often done at the same time.  It uses a syringe to remove a little bit of the liquid. 
When you arrive, you may be given IV sedation.  You usually have to request this in advance.  Generally, this is “twilight sedation,” in which you are awake but given medications to relax and manage the pain. 
If they are taking samples from the back of your pelvic crest, you lay on your stomach.  You receive a local anesthetic, typically lidocaine.  It will burn as the drug numbs the area.  (I’ve always found it really ironic that an anesthetic burns.)  A small incision is made in the skin at the biopsy site. 
A hollow needle is then pushed through the bone and into the marrow.  A syringe is attached to the needle and the person doing the procedure pulls back on the plunger to draw liquid into the needle.  This is called the aspirate.  When the aspirate is removed, it changes the pressure inside the bone and causes some pain.  Sometimes no aspirate is found.  This is called a “dry tap.”  If this occurs, another site is biopsied. 
After the aspiration, the biopsy is performed.  This uses a larger hollow needle that is pushed through the bone and into the solid marrow.  The entire procedure (aspiration and biopsy) usually takes about 30 minutes.
After the samples are taken, a sterile dressing is applied to the site with pressure to stop bleeding.  Once the bleeding has stopped, a new dressing is taped into place.  It is important to keep this dressing dry for 24 hours, as getting it wet can increase the risk of infection.  After 24 hours, you can shower or swim as usual. 
The biopsy site will be sore for at least a few days.  Avoid strenuous activity for a few days.  If you develop an (unusual) fever, severe pain, swelling, redness or drainage from the site, or uncontrolled bleeding, contact your health care provider.  This can indicate an infection.
People ask a lot if the biopsy hurts.  With twilight sedation, it hurt, but not badly, and not for long.  I was pretty sore for about a week after, with a throbbing pain that went down my right leg.  I didn’t have any problems otherwise.    
For people with mast cell disease, there are additional steps and precautions that need to be taken.  When I had mine, I premedicated 12 hours before the procedure, and was then given IV medications an hour before the procedure.  12 hours before, I took 50 mg prednisone, 150 mg ranitidine, 10 mg montelukast and 50 mg diphenhydramine.  One hour before, I received 120 mg methylprednisolone, 40 mg famotidine, and 50 mg diphenhydramine. 
Care must be taken with pain medication for people with mast cell disease.  I received midazolam and fentanyl.  I was advised by my mast cell specialist that I needed to receive twilight sedation for this procedure, as pain is a mast cell trigger, and could cause anaphylaxis for me. 
As always, make sure the medical team is aware of your disease and the procedure if you react/anaphylax/shock.  Always have your Epipens with you.  Never assume that they will have epinephrine in the room.
It is not unusual for multiple biopsies to be needed for diagnosis with SM.  The reason for this is that where the mast cells will cluster in the bone marrow is unpredictable.  Unless you put the needle in the right place, it will be negative.  If you meet three of the minor criteria for SM, you do not need a positive bone marrow biopsy for diagnosis; however, a positive bone marrow biopsy is the most common method of diagnosis.
After the samples are taken, they will be tested for several things.  The samples will be inspected under a microscope to see what types of cells are present and in what quantity, including how many mast cells are present.  There should be some mast cells present, but too many is problematic.  They will also see if they shaped normally, or if they are “spindle shaped,” in which they have pointy edges coming off them (like a star.)  They will use special stains in order to see different cell types, including Giemsa stain for mast cells.
Mast cells in the samples will also be tested for some receptors on their surface, CD117 (encoded by the CKIT gene), CD2 and CD25.  This is done by using special antibodies to these receptors that stick to the receptors, and can then be detected by the operator.  They will also be tested for the D816V mutation in the CKIT gene.  This is done by a testing method called PCR. 
The whole process is not super pleasant, but this test provides answers that are impossible to get otherwise.  And I think you’ll all agree with me that having answers is better than not knowing.

 

 

On emergencies and making a scene

I am a pretty brassy person.  (I’m sure this surprises people who don’t know me in real life, as I am so shy on the internet.)  I am not easily embarrassed and never have been.  I have always been klutzy and loud, and I figured out early on that it was easier to just not be embarrassed by that.  Self acceptance.  I has it.


However, there is one thing that I get very embarrassed about, and I’m sure I’m not alone.  That, my friends, is making a scene, particularly if that scene is health related. 
Let me give you an example.  A few weeks ago, I was sitting at my mother’s house after eating Eggs Benedict talking about an upcoming family event.  I wasn’t feeling great but I had received some bad news that morning so I figured it was from stress.  Suddenly my stomach started hurting badly.  It hurt as badly as a bowel obstruction, but I knew it came on too quickly to be one.  At that point, I realized I was starting to anaphylax.
But instead of giving myself epinephrine, I decided to see if it would just go away.  (I’m actually laughing out loud as I type this because of the sheer stupidity.)  Shockingly, it did not just go away.  After several minutes of wailing like a wounded animal from the abdominal pain, I got that killer “Irish girl spent all day on the beach with no sunblock” full body flush.  You know the one.  The one that says I’m anaphylaxing. 
At this point, I should have given myself epinephrine.  (Please note: I am not afraid of epinephrine.  It resolves my symptoms quickly and I know that nothing bad will come from using it.)  But I didn’t want to use my Epipen because I didn’t want to cause a scene.  This is so stupid.  I know this is stupid.  I know everyone reading this is shaking their head because it’s stupid.  But it’s true. 
So my mother and sister noticed me changing colors like a decoder ring and asked if they should call 911 and give me epi.  I said no.  Instead, I pounded liquid Benadryl.  I actually can’t drink things quickly in regular life (I was an embarrassment in college – there was no chugging of any type of alcoholic drink as I was just physically incapable), but when I’m taking Benadryl to try and avoid using epi, I am a champion. 
As I was open-throating Benadryl straight from the bottle, my blood pressure dropped precipitously and my field of vision got fuzzy like a dream sequence from 90’s television.  Then my heart did that really entertaining thing where it skips beats.  At that point, my sister called 911.
Now, let’s recap.  I understand my disease – check.  I know that I should use epi sooner rather than later when having anaphylaxis – check.  I am a medical scientist and understand on a molecular level that epi will not hurt me  – check.  I know that sometimes I have to go to the hospital because I have a life threatening disease – check.
So why didn’t I just epi and call 911?  Because I didn’t want to make a scene.
Literally, as soon as my sister called 911, I was embarrassed.  It’s stupid.  I know it’s stupid, but it’s true.  I know they didn’t care that I interrupted their day because I obviously needed medical attention, but it didn’t matter.  It’s not logical.  I don’t like needing emergency care, especially if I am with other people. 
The ambulance showed up and then like half the neighborhood suddenly needed to walk their dogs by my mother’s house at exactly the same time.  You know how sirens make dogs have to pee, right?  Right.  So now there are people outside with binoculars and I’m in (unattractive, ill fitting) pajamas at 11:30 while I explain my disease to the first responders who have never heard of it.  It shouldn’t be embarrassing, and I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be present if it happened to any of you, but it embarrasses me. 
Side note: I think I would actually be more likely to seek emergency care if I could be sure no one would find out.  This has nothing to do with the behaviors of the people in my life.  They are all wonderfully supportive.  I know.  I’m weird. 
I find needing emergency treatment of pretty much any kind embarrassing.  Emergency room, epipen, whatever.  Needing this type of medical attention inherently puts me out of control.   There’s always the chance that I’m going to end up admitted to the hospital and lose days of my life.  I know it’s sometimes necessary, but that doesn’t change how I feel.  I’m usually not interacting with providers who know me, so I can’t predict what will happen.  I don’t like that.  And I don’t like it when people see that, either.
I don’t like making people worry about me.  Until fairly recently, I kind of coasted with regards to public perception of my illness.  By this I mean that people knew I was sick, but didn’t know the severity, and I knew they thought it was less serious and I let them.  It was easier for me, and I don’t regret making that choice.  But it did mean that when I told people, a lot of them were shocked.  Like, really shocked.
I knew that once I told people, they would be upset because they care about me and they worry about me and want me to be fine. Embarrassing!  I don’t want them to worry, and I feel like any time I have to make a scene and call a lot of attention to my failing health, it just sort of reinforces the gravity of the whole situation. 

And then there’s this other part, where I worry that I’m making a scene unnecessarily.  Like I worry that I’ll call the ambulance and they’ll arrive and be like, “Oh, you’re fine!  Why did you call us?” even though I AM ANAPHYLAXING AND THERE IS A CHANCE I COULD DIE FROM LOW BLOOD PRESSURE.  Like I said, it’s not logical.

If any of you mast cell people told me you waited forever to give yourself epi, I would be all over you.  I would send you pretty infographics about how you should use epi early and quote statistics about how often people accidentally stick themselves with epipens and live to tell about it.  Because you should use epi early.  It will help you.  I know the party line AND I AGREE WITH IT but this fear of embarrassment thing is really strong.  And I am sure I’m not the only one who feels like this.

This may surprise you, but I’m actually much less afraid of medical professionals telling me I wasted their time than I am of people in my life telling me that.  I can handle medical professionals.  This is not my first rodeo.  But feeling like I disappointed the people around me sort of mentally reinforces that my disease is “wrong” and therefore I am “wrong.”   (Again – this feeling was not provoked by the actions of the people around me.)
So I’m trying really hard to get over this because if I’m being honest, I can’t really afford to be cavalier with this anymore.  I am anaphylaxing a lot more than I used to and my body  is tolerating it a lot more poorly than it has in the past. 
So, there you go.  I wrote an essay and called a lot of attention to my fear of having a lot of attention called to me when I need attention.